Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.