You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.