I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran