my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You Might Also Like
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
thinking about a very short hotdog
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
No, YOUR illiterate.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands