If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
car not found
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Heroic Misunderstanding