God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?