Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
This why you should mind your business
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.