ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!