An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist