You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”