I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.