[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Well, that didn’t work.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.