Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.