How do dragons blow out candles?
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces