*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Donkey Kong sommelier
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.