Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
You Might Also Like
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
S O O N
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
incredible book dedication
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Quadruple digit IQ
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997