FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD