My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?