I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Looking at you, Jesus.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂