“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.