I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Discuss
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.