It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I have a type: disappointing
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT