#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house