I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO