I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
me as a parent
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
These aliens are taking forever.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.