[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
#NoRestForTheWicked
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture