*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.