My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar