There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.