When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
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Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.