I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
three things we don’t talk about
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*