I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Succinctly put.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it