Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Cop: *kicks door open* itâs time to take out the trash
Copâs wife: stop kicking the door
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned âPlease mention if the cake contains eggâ. I am speechless after receiving the order đđź
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target Iâm just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. đ
Me: Youâre dumping me because I never listen and youâre gay!?
Boyfriend: âŚNo. I said Iâm dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you đ
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
They just announced step away from the windows at OâHare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ â stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi âyonkeesâ and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
A lot of people have been asking me why Iâve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than youâd expect. It doesnât fit my head when I have hair so Iâm getting the most out of it while I can.