People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
It’s an epidemic…
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*