swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
How dude HOW?!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?