Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?