I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about