I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.