me as a parent
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.