I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Body by sandwich.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Perfect
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”