To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!