Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*