*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote