A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.