Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I have questions??
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Many hands make light work
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.