back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Hit me in the face with a bird
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.