I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*