Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.