[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
me hitting on a model
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
thankfully, most bananas are boneless