[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting